Best Humor Quotes
Humor quotes are witty and funny statements or phrases that are intended to provoke laughter or amusement. If you're ready to laugh, read humor quotes!
Humor Quotes
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I don't need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I tried to catch some fog, but I mist."
"I'm not clumsy, I'm just on a mission to rearrange the furniture."
"I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
"Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough."
"I hate Russian dolls... they're so full of themselves!"
Humor Quotes About Life
"Life is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there is a bump or you can throw your hands up and enjoy the ride." - Unknown
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." - Mallory Hopkins
"I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff." - Karl Pilkington
"Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk." - Unknown
"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get, but it's all delicious." - Forrest Gump
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin
"Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important and capture the good times, develop from the negatives and if things don't work out, just take another shot." - Unknown
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me." - Unknown
"The best way to predict the future is to create it." - Peter Drucker. Just kidding, it's actually predicting lottery numbers.
"Life is too important to be taken seriously." - Oscar Wilde
Humor Quotes Funny
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug." - Anonymous
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already." - Tommy Cooper
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." - Unknown
"The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream." - Bill Murray
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness." - Emo Philips
"I told my computer I needed a break. Now it won't stop playing 'Somebody That I Used to Know' by Gotye." - Anonymous
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!" - Unknown
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." - Charles Lamb
"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious." - Michael Scott (The Office)
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." - Jim Carrey
Humor Quotes For Work
"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." - Jerome K. Jerome
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost
"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it." - Bill Gates
"Work hard, nap hard." - Unknown
"I'm not a boss, I just have better ideas." - Unknown
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." - Charles Lamb
"My job is secure. No one else wants it." - Unknown
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary." - Vidal Sassoon
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you." - Steven Wright
"Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else." - Unknown
Humor Quotes For Instagram
"I don't have a bad handwriting, I have my own font."
"I'm not clumsy, the floor just hates me."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it told me to go home and never come back."
"My bed and I have a special relationship. We're perfect for each other - it lets me sleep, and I let it exist."
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
"I'm not procrastinating, I'm just giving my ideas time to marinate."
"I'm not a photographer, but I can definitely picture us together."
"I'm not short, I'm concentrated awesomeness."
"I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life."
"I don't need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"If you can't remember my name, just say 'chocolate,' and I'll turn around."
"I put the 'pro' in procrastination."
"I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing."
"I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face, but with words."
"I don't need a parachute, I have a fluffy cat to break my fall."
"I'm not addicted to coffee, we're just in a committed relationship."
"My life feels like a test I didn't study for."
"I'm not lost, I'm exploring alternative routes."
"I'm not funny, I'm just really mean, and people think I'm joking."
"I wish common sense was more common."
